// These are the strings to print
var gnarl_strings = new Array(
        'We regret to announce the {ADJ1} {DEATH} of {NAME}, who on the {DAY} of {MONTH} of this year was {ADJ2} {DTYPE} by {BG}.  This unfortunate incident occurred in {PLACE} {LOC}.  The deceased was reported to have shouted "{LASTWORDS}" just before expiring.  {NAME} is survived by {KIN}.  Funeral services will be held the {DAY} of next month.'
);

// These are the word classes
var gnarl_replace = new Array();
gnarl_replace[ 'ADJ1' ] = new Array(
	'unfortunate',
	'untimely',
	'unpleasant',
	'disturbing'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'DEATH' ] = new Array(
	'death',
	'passing',
	'demise',
	'expiration'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'DAY' ] = new Array(
	'1st',
	'2nd',
	'3rd',
	'4th',
	'5th',
	'7th',
	'19th'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'MONTH' ] = new Array(
	'January',
	'February',
	'March',
	'April',
	'May',
	'June',
	'July',
	'August',
	'October',
	'December'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'ADJ2' ] = new Array(
	'brutally',
	'delicately',
	'savagely',
	'meticulously',
	'carefully',
	'callously',
	'randomly',
	'viciously',
	'helplessly',
	'accidentally'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'DTYPE' ] = new Array(
	'ground to powder',
	'vaporized',
	'cannibalized',
	'completely consumed',
	'buried alive',
	'smothered in hot fat',
	'shot',
	'stabbed',
	'minced',
	'smushed',
	'crushed like a grape',
	'perforated',
	'bored to death'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'BG' ] = new Array(
	'a nasty orc',
	'the next-door neighbor',
	'a ferocious werewolf',
	'an angry old woman',
	'a deranged axe-murderer',
	'a homicidal maniac',
	'an angry cow',
	'a wandering demon',
	'a giant invisible spider',
	'a pack of marauding cultists',
	'a large rabid squirrel',
	'several zombies',
	'Gizmorlag the Slug Demon',
	'passing aliens',
	'bears',
	'some guy named Clyde',
	'a couple of stealthy gremlins',
	'an ooze creature',
	'a pretty hefty woman'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'PLACE' ] = new Array(
	'the forest',
	'a sewer pipe',
	'a murky swamp',
	'a manure pile',
	'a small, unmarked sedan',
	'an anthill',
	'a slightly distressed Buick Skylark',
	'an adult bookstore'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'LOC' ] = new Array(
	'on the Island of Tihi',
	'at Camp Fusketotulee',
	'in Seattle, WA',
	'in Las Calamas, CA',
	'somewhere on Interstate 52',
	'behind an outhouse',
	'in New York City',
	'at the foot of the Statue of Liberty'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'LASTWORDS' ] = new Array(
	'Egads!',
	'Cripes!',
	'Not my new shirt!',
	'Zounds!  I am undone!',
	'Well, there goes the rest of my day...',
	'Did you hear something?',
	'Elvis, here I come!',
	'This SUCKS!',
	'I should have listened to my horoscope!',
	'Quick!  Put this on!',
	'Not again!',
	'Does anyone have a band-aid?',
	'Make sure my Mom gets this ring!',
	'Stand back!  I\'m a professional!'
);

gnarl_replace[ 'KIN' ] = new Array(
	'four sisters and a mule',
	'a goldfish',
	'several houseplants',
	'a yellow lab named "Scurvy"',
	'some large debts',
	'Gladys Happyfoot, a trained chimpanzee',
	'fifty or so gerbils',
	'a bunch of cats, who could really care less',
	'some thankless family members, who are even now looting the personal effects of the departed'
);